Mission 4

[skysmirror]

Who: Xion and Even
What: Discussions regarding some of Xion's background
Where: Even and Xion's apartment, Traverse Town
When: Afternoon
Warnings: Unhappy backstory reveals leading to potentially interesting reactions.



The last set of odd dreams had taught Xion that it wasn't any good to try to go back to sleep immediately after waking from them. It never worked, and just added to her frustration. Going back to her usual dreamless sleep had been a relief.

This more recent set of dreams was even more bothersome for the fact that they were based in reality. Going back over some of the worst scenes from her life (if it could be called that) every night meant she often didn't want to go back to sleep at all--especially since sometimes she woke before the part where she and her friends found each other again and made up.

At least they knew the truth now, and she'd told them before circumstances had forced her hand. Lucky as she'd been so far, she didn't know when someone might see her...not looking like herself.

It was with this on her mind that she went to see if Even was awake and working on something. If she wasn't going to be able to sleep, she might as well help. There was usually something to be neatened up, at least.

Comments

[defrostedpride]

Even was, indeed, awake, and might never have slept, to all appearances: only the disarrangement of the blanket on his cot revealed that he had tried to rest, only to be awakened, much like Xion, by dreams that refused to die into forgetting.

By way of assuaging the lingering conviction that, like the Keyhole, his life was broken beyond his capacity to repair it, he was mixing up another batch of potions. It was a small success, but there were few enough of those.

Occupied with the distillation, he didn't notice Xion come in.

[skysmirror]

Successes were rare enough that even the small ones were something to be happy about. Xion's thoughts on her ability to repair her own situation weren't as pessimistic as Even's, but the past did weigh on her mind. Which was part of the reason she'd chosen to find something to do--that usually helped calm her.

She didn't have exactly the kind of patience needed for the more fussy work of distilling potions, but she could make herself useful by helping clean up. Since he hadn't seemed to notice her, she was careful to make her footsteps heard as she walked to the sink to check what needed washing. On the way, she had to stifle a yawn.

Really, weren't dreams supposed to be good things? It said something about how tired she was before she realized she'd spoken the thought aloud.

[defrostedpride]

"Ha," said Even flatly. "Ha. Hahahaha--" The sudden fit of hysterical laughter that shook him was probably a sign that he was pressing hard up against the limit of how long he could function without meaningful sleep. It wasn't even that funny, no matter how black the humor. Fortunately, he managed to set the glass vessel down before his shoulders started shaking.

When it passed, he coughed and wondered if Xion would be polite enough to pretend it hadn't happened. He doubted it.

"You are very young, aren't you," he said in a hopeless bid to remain on the topic.

[skysmirror]

Uh-oh. Xion had spoken aloud, and it seemed to have set Even off. Not in an angry way (at least, no more than usual), but that laugh wasn't a good sign. At least, that was her thought once the initial embarrassment at having been overheard. The topic really wasn't funny, and that didn't sound like a normal laugh.

It might not be polite to say something, but she couldn't just let it pass. Asking if he was okay seemed a bit silly, though, since the obvious hint was that he wasn't. She was still trying to think of a response when he spoke again. Well, at least it looked like he'd calmed a little. "Younger than I look, I think."

[defrostedpride]

"...Really?" Even was more than willing to be distracted at the slightest provocation. "You look young enough to still believe that, which is saying something. How old are you, then?" He suspected optimism of being a chronic disease of the young. If nothing else did, age would cure it sooner or later.

[skysmirror]

Considering the path this distraction might take, Even may just come to regret going with the change in subject. Xion's statement hadn't come from optimism--though she had inherited some of her Original's--just a fact due to being a Replica. How to put this, though. Maybe just getting it all out at once was best.

"A little over a year, if you go by when I was created."

Well, it wasn't a full explanation but it was enough that it might lead Even to certain conclusions.

[defrostedpride]

"What?" That didn't make any sense. Even briefly entertained the thought that she might be referring to becoming a Nobody as her 'creation', but none of them ever had: it was nothing like creation at all. But the only other way for her to be only a year old was...

He grabbed her shoulders. "Who? Who created you?"

(The answer he hoped for was that someone, Xaldin perhaps, had worked from his notes after...after. That would be reassuring.)

[skysmirror]

No, none of the others had ever called becoming a Nobody 'being created.' That was only for Replicas, which was why Xion had used it as the best hint she could give short of explaining things directly. It looked like he'd guessed. Given his reaction to the revelation, though, she was beginning to wonder if she should have brought it up at all.

Her eyes widened in surprise when he grabbed her shoulders, and she almost took a step back. Almost. Why had she even mentioned anything...more than speaking out loud without realizing, that slip of judgement showed how tired she was. Well, too late now. "Vexen."

(If she could have offered that sort of reassurance without lying, she would have. Unfortunately, so such possibility now.)

[defrostedpride]

"No - no, that can't be - that isn't possible!" Even let go of Xion like she was caustic, took a staggering step back.

He didn't just forget things. Not since - his flailing thoughts spun off on a sideline: not since he'd first died, when they had ... when Xemnas had been sure they'd lost time, days, and Xigbar had agreed, but that didn't mean - but since then, aside from then, he didn't forget, not relevant things like the results of a project, not such major results of such a major project. He hadn't forgotten his death, the second one, and there was nothing about it he wanted to remember. He wouldn't have forgotten what must have been weeks of work, never mind the result. He couldn't have forgotten a success like her.

And if he could, what else could he have forgotten? How would he know? Was there another Replica out there, or the product of some other project he couldn't even remember working on, someone he would think looked vaguely familiar but not recognize unless they chose to inform him?

[skysmirror]

Oh, Even could rest easy where his memory was concerned. There were no other forgotten Replicas, no other results of projects that would return to surprise him. Xion could tell him that much, once they got past this hurdle.

She should have known she'd had it too easy. Sora, Roxas, Lea--they'd all been so accepting when she'd told them, no matter what her fears had been. Maybe that had given her a false sense of security, that everyone would react similarly. Whatever the case, though not totally unexpected, Even's reaction had caught her off-guard. She took her own step back, and a deep breath, though she hadn't been able to prevent the expression of mixed surprise, worry, and hurt that had to have been visible for a moment before she managed to speak.

At least she had a good guess as to what was behind the outburst. "It is. Just...Nobody who knew me before remembers."

[defrostedpride]

It wasn't just him. That was...a greater comfort than it had any right to be. Rationally, memories missing from everyone was a more severe problem than memories missing from just him, but. At least he wasn't the only one in the dark. Distracted and a poor reader of faces at the best of times, he missed Xion's hurt entirely.

He could think about this. It was a puzzle, that was all. Nothing more. (He didn't believe himself, but he could pretend to.) "What happened? Do you know - " One possibility presented itself insistently to him. "Did Naminé cause this?"

Sorry so late!

[skysmirror]

It was probably for the best that he hadn't noticed her expression. If he had, he might have commented on it and derail the conversation, which was probably one best finished sooner rather than later. Oddly enough, to Xion several people having memory issues was better than only one. It meant less of a chance that a single person was being targeted.

"No, no she didn't." Xion took a deep breath. "I don't know everything--I found some of Vexen's research in Castle Oblivion, but I couldn't understand it all."

No, *I'm* sorry!

[defrostedpride]

"Fine, then. What did you understand?" Even asked. If she could remember anything precise - which, considering the prevailing attitudes of the junior members toward scientific inquiry, not to mention her own apparently truncated existence, she might not - then he would have something to go on, some way of identifying the gap in his memory.

She'd found some of Vexen's research. Some of his research. As much as he might wish to separate them, he couldn't. There were too many years, and Even was a distorted memory.

*hugs* It's okay, life noms at us sometimes. Also, slight headcanon, lmk if it's alright.

[skysmirror]

The ironic thing was, had Vexen lived and been a greater influence on Xion's development, she might have developed some aptitude for science. She was curious and liked to understand whys and hows. While probably not up to the level of any of the apprentices (former or otherwise), she wouldn't have been totally incapable.

As it was, most of what she'd gotten from the research was the bare basics. Those were easy to remember, despite how unpleasant they were. "It was part of the Replica Project. Xemnas got some memories from Sora--I was supposed to be a Replica of him, but I ended up not being a complete Replica. I think I look a little like Kairi because the first memories used to make me were of her."

That last part was just guessing, but it was worth mentioning.

"After that...I think there was some arguing, but then the plan was to see if I could get the rest of Sora's memories through Roxas if we got close. It worked for a little while."

[defrostedpride]

He was going to remain calm and think this through rationally. She was a partial Replica, created from a few memories. That suggested she was earlier than his final effort, probably older earlier than the beginning of their sojourn to Castle Oblivion: the unique structure of that world had made collecting a full copy of Riku's memories easy, and why would he have done less with Sora? How had it occurred to him to do so in the first place? He had been working on the assumption that it was possible to create a blank heart and imprint another 'self' on it in some fashion. He had tried duplicating a captive heart with no success. He had tried creating an impression of his own mind, to only marginally better results. But that was months before the Riku Replica...how had he gotten from one to the other?

He couldn't remember. Even supposed that counted as an answer. He had created Xion in those months, out of partial memories.

And then he had changed to using complete memories, which meant... "What was wrong?"

Even was surprised to discover that he was concerned. If Xion was defective, incomplete in some way...

[skysmirror]

Even's thinking was mostly correct. While the memories that created Xion had been gathered before Sora's journey through Castle Oblivion, Xion had been created there, and before the Replica made of Riku. Quite possibly some refinements had been made on the process based on what happened with Xion.

But Even had asked a question. Time to answer it. "Well, since I was only made from a few memories, I wasn't quite complete. I needed more. Since Roxas was Sora's Nobody, most of Sora's memories were flowing into him, so Xemnas decided to see what happened if we got close."

She swallowed hard, trying to keep her voice steady as she told the worst part. "It worked--I started getting Sora's memories instead of Roxas. But we got so close we got to be friends; best friends, Axel said. I got stronger, and Roxas started getting weaker. Then we found out that the plan was to make us fight, so one would fade, and the other would get all their strength..."

[defrostedpride]

"Stop!"

He could see the flaw from Xion's description, the defect he'd avoided by copying Riku's heart entire. The heart was not like a solid, capable of being split into two wholes; rather it was a liquid encased in a glass vessel, which once separated was always broken. She was broken, had been broken from the first moment -

From the first moment he had created her. Even reeled back at his own thought. This was his doing, and no other's.

"And then?" he asked, despite his own exclamation, unable not to ask no matter how little he wanted to know the answer. "Did he consume you, or did you consume him? Was that enough, or did it keep draining away, because no matter how you try, you can't refill a broken glass? Did I finish killing you by inches the way I destroyed everything else I thought I was fixing?" His voice gets steadily louder as he continues, and frost fractals the floor around his feet. "Or is there more to come? What else did I tear apart without caring, without even knowing?!"

[skysmirror]

Not any more eager to continue speaking on the subject that Even was to hear about it, Xion was more than happy to stop. She paused, ready to simply take a moment to collect herself and wait until he was ready to hear more.

His following outburst was unexpected and caught her off-guard. While Xion managed not to flinch, she did take a step back, eyes wide before she looked away in an attempt to find some response to what was being said.

Even irritable or angry was normal. Even as worked up as Axel had been the second time he'd come to take her back to the Organization...It wasn't something she'd ever thought she'd see.

A small shadow appeared on the floor near her feet and Manda came through. Xion automatically picked her up, the Spirit's presence a comfort at the moment. It was almost as if Manda had sensed she was upset and come to offer support.

There were questions she could ask in response to his: if he had known what the flaws would lead to, would he have still created her; if he didn't know, why blame himself? Those didn't seem right. Better to start with the easier answer, though when Xion spoke her voice was quieter than before, and her gaze was still somewhat averted, focusing somewhere in the distance.

"I tried to find a better way--tried to go back to Sora myself. If I did that, the memories could be returned without Roxas and I having to fight. But the Organization found me before I could, so...I made sure Roxas won. Once I faded, not even Namine would be able to find a way to keep me in everyone's memories."

I hope this is okay? They should definitely talk again after Even's calmed down.

[defrostedpride]

And she'd died. She'd been gone, leaving no trace that she'd ever been, not even a memory. Just gone, as though she hadn't mattered.

Even didn't know why that mattered so much to him, nor did he know what the emotion was welling up within him until he could feel nothing else. Why did he feel sick? Why couldn't he breathe properly? Why did he hurt, directionless but deep to the bone? Why was this, was Xion, so important?

And what was he supposed to do, to say, when he didn't know what he wanted to do or say? (Frost was curling out around his boots on the tiles.) There was something he was supposed to say or do, something he had to say or do, but he didn't know what. He had to - he couldn't - he couldn't think.

The only thing he knew was that Xion's face and the soft sound of her voice hurt him in a way he couldn't understand, much less remedy, and the idea of hurting her was worse. So with an inarticulate cry he fled, leaving the Potions to bubble in their flasks as he left the lab and then the shop, driven by nothing but a compulsion to get away from what he didn't understand.

Yup, 'tis fine-hope you don't mind me wrapping with this? They shall definitly have to talk later.

[skysmirror]

Did it count as dying if, in a way, you'd never been a whole person? Xion had gained a sense of self, yes, but even that hadn't been enough to grant some stability in the connection between her, Roxas, and Sora. Though it had been difficult, she'd eventually come to terms with the fact that she needed to return to her Original. The sting from that hard truth was gone.

What hurt was not knowing what to say in the face of how obviously distressed Even was. Before she could get hold of herself enough to try to say something, he ran. For a moment she stood, wide eyed with surprise.

Then her gaze dropped and her shoulders slumped in defeat. She should have known this wouldn't go well, even if Even deserved to know. After a moment to wipe her eyes (and hug Manda), she took a moment to turn off the burners under the Potions before going back to her room.

Maybe she should go after him. Part of her thought that might be a good idea, but a greater part of her didn't. She'd said enough. Now it was time to wait until they'd both had a chance to calm down.

Xion sat on her bed, knees pulled up to her chest. Manda settled into place on side of her, Barkley on the other. That settled, Axel slithered into his usual spot, draped like a scarf around her neck and shoulders.